umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
