Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and i looked up. we had an audience...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
