You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
