She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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