girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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