i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
