You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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