also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
