I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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