When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My feet surprised me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
