she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
