We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
