I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
