Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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