I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
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It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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