my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Someone came in the potted fern
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
