I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
