Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
