Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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