there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
