I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
