ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
