it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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