She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
