sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
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You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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