the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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