but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
