At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
