Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
