I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
