do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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