Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
