Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
