I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
