I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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