im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
