It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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