if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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