When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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