yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is classic penis vs brain.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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