i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
