Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
