that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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