Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
birth control should be required to get into college
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
