I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
