just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
