Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
