i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
