And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
