every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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