A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
