She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
