You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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